Most self-help gurus say that you have to eliminate your negative thoughts in order to improve your life. Guess what? They’re wrong.
Having the thought “I’m not going to approach that girl” is fine if you ignore it and approach her anyway. Having the thought “I’m fat” is fine if it motivates you to push yourself in the gym. It’s what you do with thoughts that matters, not what the thoughts actually say.
Negative thoughts and emotion are only a problem if they prevent you from changing your behavior and taking consistent action.
Most of the time, what your mind tells is actually a distraction preventing you from reaching your goals, since your behavior is what really matters. Because of this, it’s helpful to know psychologically proven principles of what you should focus on for achieving your goals.
If you’re trying to eat healthy, a friend pressuring you into drinking a beer seems like a minor issue. Your mind rationalizes it saying “it’s just one beer; it’s not a big deal.” But these little slips add up over time. For this reason, it’s best to focus on the behavior you are changing rather than what your mind tells you about it. Your mind will rationalize whatever is comfortable and you can’t listen to it.
One thing you can’t focus on is your mood. Part of being human is having random fluctuations in mood. No matter how hard you try, mood is NOT under your conscious control. There are subtle factors that influence it, like self-talk, behavior, and breathing, but emotions are located in a part of the brain that is outside of conscious control.
When you are growing as a person, your mood is a terrible indicator of your progress! Read this sentence over and over until it really sinks in.
When you are growing as a person, your mood is a terrible indicator of your progress!
When you are growing as a person, your mood is a terrible indicator of your progress!
When you are growing as a person, your mood is a terrible indicator of your progress!
Got it yet?
Think of some examples when you are growing as a person but you don’t feel good emotionally. Approaching girls provokes anxiety for most guys. Building specific career strengths takes persistent hard work. Intense physical exercise is painful. If you stopped doing these things because you listened to your mood, you’d never grow as a person.
Reward your process, not outcome. Give yourself credit when you are taking consistent action, instead of worrying about achieving success.
Don’t focus on whether or not you got a number; focus on how you did in the interaction. Don’t focus on how much weight you are losing, focus on what you are doing to lose weight. The victories will come when you hustle and focus on your process. If you approach enough girls, it’s guaranteed that you’ll get more numbers and take more of them home. If you are perfect about your diet and fitness regimen, it’s guaranteed that you’ll lose weight.
This is where variance comes into play. There are always random factors that affect the outcome, but you are completely in control of the process. In the long run, the variance (ups and downs) will even out, and you will inevitably have both victories and failures. As long as you focus on the right process, which comes from having good mentors and support, you’ll have more victories and make progress.
So the key takeaways are to pay attention to your behavior instead of your mood, and reward the process of improvement instead of the outcomes.
