Back in the day, I was out with a small group of students at a new bar in west L.A.
Prior to going out, we did a bunch of drills to help them get over their approach anxiety and have fun opening conversations. We were using some fairly edgy openers. But all of the guys in attendance had zero approach anxiety by the end of the night, and we all had a great time.
How is it possible to say edgy things and deliver risky openers without worrying about what happens afterward?
A conversation I had with one of my students who is a little older and less comfortable in bar environments really stood out to me. We were talking about the importance of having a group of supportive people to make this process of a lot easier and more fun.
One of the biggest phrases that is tossed around in the Inner Game community is “Learn to not care about the outcome.”
I heard a slew of others presenters speak about this last week at a event where I also spoke. I think this concept is completely bankrupt.
How can you actually not care about the outcome? I guarantee that any man on this planet would rather have a beautiful woman give him a kiss then throw a drink in his face after he approached her.
If you engage in an activity, you by default care about the outcome; otherwise, you wouldn’t do it.
So let’s tweak the phrase a little and call it “Not being outcome-dependent.”
You approach her, she pours a drink on your head – but at the end of the day, you are glad you did it, you learned a ton from the experience, and you are ready to try again. If this is your attitude, you will continue to improve, regardless of the outcome of your interactions.
When I look back on my progress, I remember a very distinct three-month period where I improved dramatically. During those three months, I went out with a great group of guys (and sometimes girls) on a weekly basis and we pushed the heck out of our comfort zones in a fun way.
We challenged each other to do crazy stuff and no matter what came of it, we always found a way to laugh and have fun with the process.
If you want to develop social skills and learn to stop being outcome-dependent, having a support group is the best way.
If you don’t have a really good support group, finding one should be your number one priority if you want to improve this area of your life.
