Picture a triangle: one point is thoughts, another is actions, and the third is feelings. One of the biggest ideas in the psychology of the mind is the relationship between thoughts, actions, and feelings. We act as if all these things are separate, when in reality, they all influence and control each other.
This triangle is a great model because it shows every relationship between these. Thoughts affect our actions (I decide to approach a girl so I do it), actions affect our feelings (I bitch out and don’t approach so I feel guilty), and feelings affect our thoughts (I feel the pain of rejection so I think that I’m a worthless person). The opposite relationships our also true: actions affect our thoughts (I approach 10 girls in a day so I believe I’m a confident person), feelings affect our actions (I feel good after going to the gym so I approach more girls at the bar), and thoughts affect our feelings. These examples are probably all ones you can relate to, because everyone’s mind works pretty close to this.
A traditional belief is that you have to change your thoughts to change your actions. While this does have some truth to it, it’s often used as a crutch. An example of this is the guy who says “Once I’m more confident then I’ll be able to approach hotter girls”. Yes, this is true. However, how do you build confidence? By approaching hotter girls!
The reason this belief is limited is because it’s difficult, and almost impossible, to directly control your thoughts. Hard as we may try, we don’t have much control over our thoughts. Thoughts randomly pop into your head, and many of them don’t hold much significance.
Try this experiment: don’t think of a pink bear. What did your mind do? It immediately pictured a pink bear. This is how your mind works: trying not to think of something makes it even more powerful in your mind.
So what is the antidote for this? In psychology, it’s a technique called “defusion”. All it really means is to recognize thoughts for what they are: just thoughts. They are events that occur in your mind, and not necessarily an accurate representation of reality. To use defusion, you need to always be examining what’s just a thought, and what is reality.
Labeling what your mind is telling you is a great way to do this. For example, if you have an interaction that doesn’t go well, instead of telling yourself “she rejected me”, tell yourself “I’m having the thought that she rejected me.” Another way is to say “My mind is telling me that she rejected me.” That link I mentioned earlier between thoughts and feelings? Defusion weakens it and gives you more control over your mind.
A thought itself isn’t good or bad; it’s what you do with it that matters. It’s how that thought affects your behavior that is important. And this is why the link between action and thoughts/feelings is the one I focus the most on. Confidence might get 10% stronger from more positive thoughts and feelings, but it gets 100% stronger from taking action. Defusion is how you check your negative thoughts and don’t let them prevent you from taking action.
While thoughts influence behavior, they are not causes for behavior. It is completely possible to think “I can’t raise my right arm” while raising your right arm. Similarly, it is completely possible to think “I can’t approach that girl” while you are walking over to speak to her.
Building your confidence and social awareness is a process that is all about taking action. Thoughts and feelings influence the process, but they’re just a small part of the equation. The actions you take in the real world are what really matter.
