You’ve been in this situation before. You meet a girl out at a bar, and she has an accent.
You: “Where are you from?”
Her: “Germany.”
You: “Oh cool. What part of Germany?”
Stop doing this.
Or what about this one:
Her: “I’m from Chicago.”
You: “I have a friend who lives in Chicago.”
Ugh. Stop doing this too. One more:
Her: “I’m a model.”
You: “What kind of modeling do you do?”
Sigh.
These are the responses that every loser says. You don’t really care what part of Germany she’s from, and you have no real value to add to the conversation once she provides her answer. It’s not relevant to you what region of Germany she’s from. She doesn’t care that you have a friend from her city with a population of 3 million. And she sure as hell knows you don’t care what kind of modeling she does.
You may know that these are boring questions, but you probably also know that by asking these unimaginative questions, you’re not risking being rejected. You’re pretty sure you can ask these and the conversation will continue without risking rejection.
People look more confident in conversation when they’re more interested in the listener, but most guys can’t effectively convey that they’re interested without looking needy. The best way around this conundrum is by asking open-ended questions.
Open-ended questions are preferable to closed-ended questions. Because closed-ended questions only prompt a “yes” or “no” response, they don’t encourage others to elaborate and contribute to the conversation. This is even more true if the woman you’re conversing with is nervous or not totally invested. Because of this, an added benefit of open-ended questions is that they help to evaluate how invested she is in the interaction.
An example of a closed-ended question is “Did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?” If you ask a girl this and she isn’t already invested in you, the likelihood that you’ll get a response other than yes or no is low. On the other hand, open-ended questions, such as “Tell me about your trip to Mexico” allow her to contribute a response of substance and emotion. That’s what drives a connection.
Ask questions that elicit feelings. Ask people how they feel about things. Ask open-ended questions like “What do you make of that?”
Bad closed-ended question: “Do you like New York?”
Better open-ended question: “What’s your experience in New York been like so far?”
Boring question: “What do you do?”
Better question: “How do you spend most of your time?”
Stupid question: “How’s your night going?”
Better question: “So what’s on the agenda for tonight?”
Mediocre question: “How do you guys know each other?”
Better question: “How did you come to be?”
Nothing in dating makes sense until you view it in the light of emotional connection. Women want to connect to you by opening up, being vulnerable, and sharing feelings. They don’t connect with you by sharing facts.
The purpose of asking questions is to elicit feelings or thoughts. The deepest conversations revolve around hopes, dreams, fears, unique observations about the human condition, and ironies that exist within our lives.
Getting others to talk about themselves is a powerful conversational tool. In fact, research has shown that talking about yourself and your subjective experiences activates the same pleasure centers of the brain as rewards like food and money.
Key takeaway: the purpose of asking questions is not to facilitate a transfer of information. We connect by sharing and discussing feelings and thoughts, or by mentoring and teaching someone a new way of viewing the world. Those are the ways we form emotional connections through conversation, and open ended emotional questions are the backbone of these conversations.
